The Diktionary of Dayde

We're battling to let go of Dayde, now that the story is finished everyone died.
So we have come up with an exhaustive list that make Dayde and his buddies the affable characters they are.

While many of these items pertain to our lives, it's important to remember that to be Dayde or Carvayne or Waydene, you need to apply every. single. one of these items to your life. For example, it's no good owning a QASHQAI if you don't own a jet-ski you can trail behind it.
It's no good having a cupboard full of three quarter pants and moonbags if you wear tailored blazers.

For example, you may listen to 90s techno compilations like Bump!, own a Big 5 tea towel and once had a moonbag which you insisted was a "money belt" but was actually a moonbag, but everything else is worthy of mention in a Conde Nast publication.

You get what I'm saying. It's all or nothing. No half measures.

I'm sure most of you will be offended, so if it's any consolation, at one time in my life, I've owned at least 20 of the listed items below, now and in the past.

Dayde and his buddies are a specific type of stereotype. It's not what they say, it's about what they buy. They're fiercely aspirational. They work hard; and they spend hard.

Dayde rose from the ashes of a dead-end Lexmark printer sales job to invent and globalise a new brand of shoe with his buddies.
He cares about doing well in life; and spending lots of money to show their buddies that they've made it.

So if - like us - you want to be "DAYDE FOR A DAY" - you'll need to get everything on this list:

• Ed Hardy fashion
• Baby names that display wealth and prosperity: Abercrombie , Mercedes, Dymond 
• Names spelt oddly to sound unique: Ba-a (Said "ba-dash-a"*), Mylynda, Dayde 
• Names that add father + mother together: Garyn (Gary + Taryn), Cleopedro, Chandre, Wayzette. 
• Favourite movie is Avatar in 3D
• Cruise holidays
• Furniture you can buy on credit at 18 months interest free
• The empty bottle of real champagne (Moet or Veuve) on the kitchen shelf
• Three quarter pants
• Montecasino. Hangs out here as much as possible. Once a week on average.
• Summercon complex housing, that is safari-themed and painted ‘earthen’ colours like terracotta. With names like ‘Shamwari Sunset’ or like Dayde’s house, 'Zingara Sands.'
• Cars that fit lots of people inside them. SUVs or 'crossovers' Never used offroad. Think QASHQAI, TOUAREG, AVENSIS, CONDOR.
• Head bands for their babies
• Drinks Energade
• Chews gum most times than doesn't chew gum
• Compilation music - often redubbed, remixed commercial hits that are put on Ministry of Sound CDs, cover albums. LOVE a cover album.
• Compilation 90s techno music - Gatecrasher, Bump!, the ESP Collection [guilty as charged...]
• Had first sexual experience in the back of a purple/aquamarine Opel Corsa in the grounds of [insert high school name here]
• Hoddogs. (Hot dogs. But they say hoddogs and feed their children these at least 50% of mealtimes)
• Collection of ultimate corporate gifts. Steel business card holders embossed with company logo, cooler boxes, glasses with company watermark, t-shirt/hoodie/beanie. Shows that they have prestigious connections and friends 'in high places'.
• At least one pant suit from Truworths. Pinstripe. 
• SA rugby jersey. Would wear everyday if they could. Worn on Casual Friday in the office, when watching sport on TV,  rugby tour with the guys, package holidays to Thailand and/or with work buddies to watch the Tri-Nations live in Australia or New Zealand. 
• A bar in the home. In the corner of the lounge, made with wood and varnished in a natural colour. Various posters on the wall of the bar saying things like “Beer! Helping Women Be Less Frigid Since 1859!” and other posters around golf jokes or nagging wives.
• Owning a Blue Bull horns hat, which is stored on display in the domestic bar area in between times it is used as fan-wear for games (watched live or on TV)
• Car bumper sticker: "My Other Car’s a Porsche," and variations of the Baby On Board sign. "Future Bad Boy In Transit."
•  Uggs
• Fifty Shades of Greydie-hard enthusiast. Reads it in public. And all the sequels.
• Amish-style signs in the kitchen saying “I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.” 
• Fridge magnets. Ever-increasing. Ever-present.
• White appliances they never use after the first try. Breadmaker, juicer/smoothie maker, electric casserole dish, fondue set.
• Plug-in/battery operated photo frames with rotating digital photo presentations.
• Wall units that covers entirety of wall, centre piece is 70 inch plasma TV. Some with glass doors to show DVD collection.
• At least one CD rack - 6 foot tall ones in varying wood/wrought iron/turnable, etc.
• At least one caravan
• Book of horoscope predictions for the year
• Big 5 memorabilia - clock, tea towel, wall canvas/print, oven gloves
• Dolphins - anything dolphin. Tattoo, stickers on sliding doors, statue or mosaic at bottom of pool, stained glass dolphins. If the dolphin exists outside of Sea World, it applies.
• Velour tracksuit with 'Juicy Couture' emblazoned across the ass
• Winning the lottery and immediately spending it all.
• Swinging half-doors between a kitchen and an adjoining room ‘tavern style’
• Fish tank/aquarium in the lounge
• Wraparound Oakleys, polarised
• Floor standing black wrought iron candle holder, with multiple 'branches', holding ball candles
• At least one dream catcher
• Guess clothing - the brand logo is very visible on all items
• Venetian blinds
• 8000 key rings for one key
• Water features. Inside and outside
• Gem trees 
• Garden ceramics. Not gnomes, but frogs, animals, various creatures 
• Coca Cola memorabilia
• Collection of bar towels and/or coasters 
• Tuppaware. Everywhere.
• Wedding photo: red rose in Dwayde's mouth, perched on a Harley
• Personalised number plates: ' SCHWEET GP', FOXY WP. Goes without saying.
• Porcelain doll collection
• Framed descriptions of the meaning of their names
• Guinea Fowl miniatures
• Doves on the wall at the front door carrying a sign that says 'peace' in their beaks
• Massive stack of Madam & Eve cartoons in the bathroom, and at the bottom of the pile a bunch of Sports Illustrated Swimwear editions
• A ball and chain and a long blond wig hanging in the bar, from his bachelor's, and next to them a Playboy bunny costume and pink devil horns from her hen party
• A miniature strobe light-turned-fridge magnet branded by Avastar
• Fabric runners down the centre of the coffee table /bookshelf
• A jar of potpourri in the guest loo
• Grecian-style pillar pedestals. With sheets of glass for coffee table, or used to display a bustier/statue
• Sponge-dabbed walls, for mottled effect
• Into pageanting. Beauty pageants, either running them or having their children in them
• Using glitter glue pen to make earrings on earlobes of their children
• The entire Harry Potter collection, shelved, using the Dewey Library system, in prime spot next to the plasma TV on the wall
• A handbag made from a single zip
• Stained glass table lamps (borderline)
• A Venterwaentjie (a Venter trailer)
• A pinup of David Kramer in the garage when he was the posterboy for the Caravelle ads (his skinniest and hottest)
• A postbox that is a giant golf ball sitting on a golf tee/a dice
• Personalised mugs - 'World's best wife', 'World's best coffee maker', 'World's best blow-job giver,' 'Don't speak to me until I've had my coffee' - Garfield pictures on the mugs.
• Books: The Secret. The Bible. SA Man's Guide to Braaing. Home Freezing At It's Best, Be Bold With Bananas.
• The biggest braai utensil collection that Builder's Warehouse offers.
• Miniature Zen garden
• Cooking apron with outline of breasts and plastic nipples.
• Verimark gym equipment (like the OrbWalker 3000) in the lounge, used once
• Old Spice
• Lots of speakers in the living area - sometimes used as centrepieces/tables, with runners on them for effect - lots of cables/cords, but speaker/amplifier is centrepiece and surround sound is very evident
• Doilys - lace crocheted table runners, also used over the back of chairs
• Iron gecko used as wall lamp shade, with coloured glass eyes
• Royal Wedding collection - in glass door cabinet - thimbles, spoons, cups, tureens, with pictures of Di/Charles, Fergie/Andrew, Kate/William
• Tall velour top hat emblazoned with SA flag/Guinness glass
• Towels that come with hoodies for children
• Mobile foot spa machine, bubbling away while she watches Days Of Our Lives 
• Squeezie tube polony for the kids lunch boxes
• Gender-specific toothbrushes and body wash
• Three games of 30 Seconds - the other two are missing cards.
• An entire cupboard full of mismatched shot glasses
• A book full of drinking game instructions
• Collection of lighters - including one with a Ferrari on it, and one with a half naked blond with massive tits reclined on a Harley 
• Valu-pack of pastel hair scrunchies
• Framed certificates - i.e. Garyn's judo achievements. Shaytyn's baking proficiency.
• Ice sculptures at weddings - preferably swans that make a heart shape with their necks
• Knitted loo roll holder and matching toilet seat cover and mat.

*I've actually come across someone called Ba-a. Ba-dash-a.