not that monday ever was funday

...but two day hangover has completely ruined the start of this week.

Monday's are difficult enough to deal with anyway, but my head is thumping, my hormones are out of control (don't come anywhere near me if you want to remain alive), and I am more tired than a book of Chuck Norris jokes.

The only thing I haven't fallen off the wagon on lately is drinking one cup of coffee a day. The rest has been a cataclysmic downhill slide into eating too much, eating too much bad stuff, binge drinking and...yes, the occasional cigarette.

If I don't watch myself, I'll be back on the crack faster than you can say Whitney Houston.

I don't know the reason why I slipped back into my pre-30 year old ways over the last few weeks, but I'd estimate a guess:
1) No more hibernation, it's light, sunny and people wanna party. Me included.
2) Work stress and work-related evening engagements
3) Life's too short

I've wound myself back in, and it's not exactly difficult, it's just boring as fuck.

I'm back on the air and lettuce leaves. Not eating/smoking/drinking anything that's bad for me. Here is how I'm doing it:

No dessert, no problem
Kind of like No Woman, No Cry. I won't ingest dessert, I'll smear it all over my body instead.
I bought a tub of Burt's Bees amazeballs hand cream, which is on my desk, and I apply all day long. It smells like heaven. Almond and cream, and while I can't eat it, my skin can.
It's like diving into a bath tub of chocolate cake, but not eating the cake.
When I crave sweet stuff, I just put this on my skin. So far it's actually working.
When I start licking my skin, I'll probably have to stop.

When I get home
This is the most dangerous time for me. I stick my head in the fridge and pick on leftovers and other shit.

So now I have a tub of stuffed olives at the ready. While making dinner (air and leaves), I now partake in the humble olive, which makes other cravings die.

No alcohol for a while
I went to an amazeballs house party on Saturday, and make no mistake, it was great fun. I drank a load of vodka and sang a load of karaoke. My voice wasn't the worst in the room either. For once. The braying donkey ahead of me had the worst voice.
But I am suffering all sorts of troublesome foibles as a result of too many nights out on the tiles.

Put celery in my soups
I eat soup everyday. I do love a good soup. Celery is negative calories. Your body uses up more to break it down than it contains. So I add a bunch of this to my soups or salads to bulk my food up and make my intestines work even harder.

Listen to a craving that doesn't go away
On Sunday all I wanted was a pizza. I am not really allowed dairy. It's bad for my uterus (endometriosis), it makes me fat, and it's acidic, which causes cancer.
So if I do have it, it's because I'm led to absolute distraction without it.

All I could do was think of the thin, tomatoey crust, dripping in mozzarella and roasted veg: the Vegetariana that our corner pizzeria does. I called the restaurant, run by a crazily rotund Italian man, who I battle to understand. His accent is so strong, I have to say 'Pardon?' when he asks if I "want-a the- a-pasta or a-the a-pizza, batti?"
They know what they're doing. And they made me a pizza especially, even though they weren't open yet. It was meant to be.

And it was the most fantastic thing I've had in fucking ages.
Similarly, when your body craves chocolate or meat - live a little and eat it. It'll satisfy the need.

Smother lettuce leaves with liquid molten Belgian chocolate
take huge gulps of air and pretend its champagne.

So that all sounds pretty exciting doesn't it. Thank fuck for Made In Chelsea starting again tonight. They don't eat either.
They shop.

At least there's still that. Shops and Chelsea.