banging one's kok

I have cankles. And we're in Thailand. I barely made it off the plane and I'm pushing a bead. Excellent.

It's weird being back in Bangkok. The last time I was here - seven years ago - I stayed with my parents who lived here. I was only 23. Lots has changed.

Now, with my Brit, it was to be a new experience.

Starting with the food. I'm proud to say that we only had one burger in two weeks. The rest was rice and chopsticks mate.

We sweated around Wat Pho, sweated while we ate street food tentatively like only a British tourist can, we sweated around the canals on the longboat.

Armed with a brolly to avoid getting amoebic dysentery sprayed into our mouths.

My skin was in direct contact with the air. As in, it was receiving infrared rays directly from the sun. For the first time in 7 months.


But the highlight was three things.

1) A foot massage on Khao San Road. Beer in hand, my aching feet fondled, while watching tourist wearing Same Same t-shirts walk past. With grand total in price tag: £3.

2) The ping pong show. When in Amsterdam, when in Bangkok, one needs to experience the pull of the sex show. The last time I was here, my parents showed me around Patpong.

Imagine that for a second. Your folks showing you around the red light district that houses clubs called Super Pussy.

My folks didn't bat an eyelid, and they're chilled and open like that, but there was no way I was going to watch a ping pong vajayjay show with them, let's be honest.

So we went this time, at my insistence. They blew trumpets from their foofoo, shot darts, smoked cigarettes (wtf?), and with a resounding pop, shot ping pong balls towards us.

Next thing, one struck the Brit's arm. I made him shower double time before I touched him again.

They're boys, and they have fantastic tutus.

3) The boat of 50 shooters
The Brit has a mate who lives in Bangkok, who took us to this exclusive party. One dude - who was your classic stereotype of middle-aged Westerner with teenage Thai escort - bought this large boat filled with shots.

It wasn't a tame party.

Bangkok really is a fun city. It's a bit grimy, polluted and sweltering in summer, but as my mum so correctly says, "It's got its charms."

But we've got other fish to fry. In a country we've been told is much cheaper than Thailand (seriously?), way more chaotic, way more third world.

Funny, we needed this holiday so badly before we left, that we were starting to bitch about how third world London was. "The trains run better in Africa for fuck's sake" I recall saying to the Brit one day. He in turn also said something like, "God, we might as well be living in Victorian times."

Baically, we were wrong. But Bangkok really is a fantastic, eye-opening city. Full of good memories too.